Tuesday, July 12, 2011
New Weekly Series–The Trailer Park Vampires
Zeke Raleigh: Head of the Raleigh family, he was somehow changed into a vampire after being attacked by a rabid possum.
Age: 147 years
Powers: Super strength, excellent climber, can carry his entire family on his back, and he can shapeshift into a possum, and his mullet is prehensile. Because of the animal DNA, his penis is retractable.
Weaknesses: Faints when startled, mesmerized by bright lights shined in his eyes, terrified of hunting dogs, and can only feed off unconscious humans, because if they are awake he can get startled and pass out.
Hankina Raleigh: Head vampiress, daughter of Zeke by his first wife Edna. Edna ran off with a traveling tent preacher. Sister to Grunt, and mother/sister/aunt to Roleks. Dreams of one day living in a home without wheels.
Age: 133 years
Powers: Limited and sporadic mind control over people, animals and lesser family members, can become invisible for very short periods of time, strength, can run 60 miles an hour in 6 inch heels, and her voice can shatter glass over a mile area, prefers to feed off wealthy older men when she can find one.
Grunt Raleigh: Son of Zeke and Maysie, Maysie was a weasel shapeshifter Zeke hooked up with as a possum and was killed when Grunt accidently ate her while breastfeeding. Uncle/brother/father to Roleks.
Age: 70 years or there about
Strengths: Can incapacitate anything with his super stench, can bite through titanium, can ingest any known substance, and has lethal saliva. Prefers to eat small to medium animals or corpses if available.
Weakness: He can be immobilized with any type of cleaning agent or air freshener. He can be mesmerized by shiny objects or panties. Slow and dimwitted.
Roleks Raleigh: Son/nephew/brother of Hankina and who knows. In love with and stalker of George Jones. Performs in drag as Lorretta Lynn and one day hopes to have a show in Branson. He prefers to feed on young males.
Age: 45 years of age
Strengths: He can fit a Ram pickup in his mouth. He can pull a loaded semi with his teeth. His teeth are also retractable. He has the grip strength of a industrial trash compactor and can lift over two tons with his clenched butt cheeks. He can run 60 miles an hour in over 6 inch heels.
Weakness: Terrified of females of any species, except Hankina. Can be mesmerized by pictures of George Jones, knocked unconscious by pictures of Pamela Anderson or an open issue of Playboy,
These are the central characters of the story and we will begin next week with the Raleigh’s getting banned from their trailer park in Possum Flats, N.C. because Grunt has eaten the manager’s beloved Yorkiepoo.
Sadly this is a common occurrence for the Raleighs, and they long for a place where they are amongst their own kind.
After extracting their vengeance, they flee to Croaksdale, N.C. It seems to call to them. welcoming the Raleighs home.
And thus the adventure begins. Join me next Wednesday as the Raleighs meet their neighbors.